"Good taste be damned!"
Here's a re-hash of a feature I did in 'Part 3' of the old site. If you haven't checked out any stuff from then, just click on the tabs on the front page, there's a ludicrous amount of stuff there, it's just badly formatted and scrolls for days. I'd forgotten about this article, and thought it would be a good 'un to drag out again. Just hope I can fit it onto a page, there's a lot of words and pics here...
SPECTRUM VIDEO NASTIES
PART 1: WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS
GRANGE HILL by Argus Press (1987)
DRUG WATCH by Nottinghamshire Constabulary (1985)
In Grange Hill, ginger-headed stepchild Gonch has had his Walkman confiscated, and he now aims to get it back by breaking into school, with the help of his tiny mate Hollo, to save his mum the bother of murdering him. Well, they did cost upward of £5K in those days and were totally future-proof... for a couple of years. Which is more than the Discman proved to be.
I vaguely recall these two being in the TV show, but I never watched it much for any length of time. I was more into Dangermouse and silly escapist stuff, rather than gritty, dismal real life drama. All I can remember is Tucker, Bronson, the sausage on a fork and a whacked-out on drugs Zammo. That storyline inspired the song “Just Say No” of course, which struck fear into the drug lords of '80s Britain. Not likely, it probably gave them more publicity if anything. "Drugs, eh? Sounds intriguing. Maybe I should give those a try some time..."
This game is a bit more thoughtful than yer average TV or movie tie-in. It's an adventure with point-and-click overtones, and you have to use objects cunningly to make progress in your quest for the golden Walkman. You've got a list of commands at your disposal, the usuals such as Pick Up, Give, Examine, Use and Talk (usually to tell Hollo to follow you and not keep wandering off FFS.) Weirdly, when the set commands don't quite cover what you're trying to do, you can type a line in instead. Kinda defeats the point, but it's novel I suppose - the best, and worst, of both worlds.
It's quite playable, this and more fun than I expected. There are instadeaths here and there, including accidentally going back home (doh) and amusingly, tripping on a very slightly jutting-out paving stone (epic fail). That one can be remedied by using your jump key, which produces the most ludicrously big jump most of the way across the screen! Somehow Hollo just walks across it unharmed while you shake your head disbelievingly... So not a bad game overall and it might bring back a few memories of Skool Daze of old. Or aggressive sausages.
Drug Watch now, and what's the most obscure software house you can think of? Surely it can't top Nottinghamshire Constabulary! Wonder how that deal came about, must have fallen off the back of a lorry. Drugs were all the rage back then, so the cops cashed in with this title in 1985. Just joking of course, it only cost £1.25 and no doubt the proceeds went to buying, sorry preventing, drugs in some way, shape or form.
You play a teenager who is set upon by a horde of drug dealers, or pushers to use the lingo of the day. They always go around in big groups, don't they? You have to use your most potent weapon against them - saying “NO!” If you hit a pusher with your “NO!” he goes away, but still leaves the drugs behind, in the hope you'll pick 'em up, and then get addicted! Another odd policy. Contact with any drugs costs one of your 3 lives, but if it's heroin, it kills you stone dead. I'm sure some people who have had heroin must have survived, though many are undead now, like Bez and Keith Richards.
This game is a sticky Space Invaders clone, and really not a good one. The pushers first fire the world DRUGS at you (an abstract sort of concept), then try their luck with pills, then garden plants and on it goes, with the bare minimum of variety. It's not great at collision detection, and in short it's more likely to send you screaming in the direction of the nearest drugs (paracetamol for me please), rather than putting you off them. Nice terrifying loading and game over screens though. Real tasteful!
THE VERDICT
GRANGE HILL 7/10
DRUG WATCH 2/10
TEAM DRUGS TOTAL 9/20
"A real mixed bag of drugs here. It probably pays to be selective. Or better still, give them a miss, 'cos drugs are bad, m'kay?"
SPECTRUM VIDEO NASTIES
PART 2: BODY HORROR - HUMANS ARE GROSS
GERRY THE GERM GOES BODY POPPIN' by Firebird (1985)
BLOOD 'N' GUTS by Quicksilva (1984)
Mev Dinc did Last Ninja 2, didn't he? And quite a few other good titles, it seems. This might have been his first Spectrum game. It's certainly his sickest! Here's the story. The odious little Gerry The Germ failed to obtain his stinkploma from the Illstitute of Infectology, and got thrown out. Quite right too for all those awful puns. Now he's trying to prove 'em all wrong. He has found a victim to infect, and he has to work his way up through their body, causing as much damage as he can, culminating in causing them a coronary (ptui).
It's original, I give you that! But seriously, it takes a special brand of misanthropy to make a game where you actively have to reduce a host's health until they die. Makes Game Of Thrones seem like Peppa Pig. Mev has tried to inject some humour into the proceedings, gawd bless 'im. Gerry himself is (kind of) cute and cartoony, there's some amusingly wonky music at the start, and body areas include lungaroo and blundder.
I mention only these two body areas because I couldn't get past them. There are some more I believe, but the gameplay is nigh on impossible. In the lungs you have to grab as many oxygen bottles as you can, to starve it of oxygen, so they collapse. Jeez. When you fail to do this, you end up in the bladder, rowing in a boat and throwing bog rolls at a tap to control the liquid levels. Doesn't sound quite as damaging, but it's still ludicrously hard.
Further on you can cause renal failure by overdosing on kidney beans, and destroy an aspirin in the stomach, so it gets overly acidic. And infect the pancreas and ultimately bring on heart failure. Maybe it's me getting old and hypochondriac, but it makes me feel queasy just thinking about it, and it's made worse by the excessive harshness of the game. Maybe it's for the best that Gerry largely meets with repeated failure in his quest to kill us poor hoomans.
Blood 'N' Guts now, and you know how it is. You find yourself shrunk and swimming around in someone's innards, trying to reassemble your mini submarine and escape through an eye. Bleurgh. You also have to fight off infections, tumors and viruses all the while. Feel ill yet?
It's funny, I always thought that they called this game Blood 'N' Guts first, but had to change it 'cos it sounded too gross, so they changed it to Fantastic Voyage. But no, it started life as F.V., named after a sci-fi film whose plot the game clearly borrows. But when lawyers came a-calling, they opted for B 'N' G instead. Coincidentally I saw that movie for the first time a few weeks ago, and it was... pretty darn average. Even with Raquel Welch as an evil baldy and Donald Pleasence in a furry bikini.
Anyhoo, this game is quite fun actually, especially after playing as a bleedin' germ. You can travel all around the body quite happily without encountering too much opposition until an infection breaks out somewhere (bloody Gerry). It seems impossible to complete, but far from impossible to play and quite enjoy, which is what you want in a game really, I'd say.
There's a warbly JSW-esque tune playing throughout, and the screens are all nice and colourful, not just a bloody disgusting mess as our bodies are in real life. So overall this is another quite playable game from The Game Lords, one of many such from their early days.
THE VERDICT
GERRY THE GERM GOES BODY POPPIN' 3/10
BLOOD 'N' GUTS 7/10
TEAM BODY HORROR TOTAL 10/20
"Human bodies are pretty darn icky on the inside, and these games surely can't have sold well due to their queasiness factor. Urgh, I'm off to the bathroom..."
SPECTRUM VIDEO NASTIES
PART 3: SATANISM - GAMES FROM THE DARK SIDE
GO TO HELL by Triple Six (1985)
SOFT AND CUDDLY by The Power House (1987)
How could you? You told someone to go to Hell, and they only went and did it! Now you have to make amends and guide them out of there. You must find 6 crosses, then take them to meet the Hellmaster himself (cue chugging metal riff). Activision went all satanic in 1985, disguising themselves as Triple 6 Software and releasing this game with an all-white cover except for the blood-dripping title. It had no parental guidance rating on it, which is surprising really, considering its general ickiness.
Reclusive eccentric John George Jones made the game, apparently in response to software houses turning his games down all the time! Wonder why... He channelled his inner Lovecraft and dredged up the sickest s*** he could think up from his depraved, eldritch mind. A platform game was the clear choice, since they're innately pure evil. Although this one isn't quite a platformer as such, since your character wanders up and down at will, as well as left and right. For some reason, touching absolutely anything, including harmless looking walls, hurts you, as you're such a weedy wuss.
Gamewise it's fair to say this is no great shakes. However the sick and twisted creations found within the many screens of Hell are fascinating. And importantly they're very well drawn and animated, and colourful as... well, Hell. So great concept, pretty average game.
Would you believe it? Just two years later, John George Jones was allowed to check himself out of Arkham Asylum and make another Spectrum game, Soft And Cuddly. A quite singular and cyclopean occurrence! I guess The Power House were the only ones who would have him, what with their stellar record when it came to making quality software. What could possibly go wrong?
The cover sure as Hell sets the tone. A demon sitting on a pile of human heads, a bit like Crash's Hall of Slime. The same cover adorns a Lovecraft anthology I've got. And highly tacky and effective it is too. The Power House liked to feature their programmers on the inlays, a nice idea. So we're treated to a pic of Mr. Jones' pale gothic/new romantic fizzog. It also says he's a singer/songwriter and has done 2 other Speccy games, Sky Warrior and The Palette, which no-one else has ever heard of or seen. Most intriguing.
Here's the ****ing insane plot. Yo' Mama, aka The Android Queen, has been dismembered in an accident after locking yo' Papa in the fridge using evil spirits. You must find 8 spirit keys and take them to Dad, who can then give you info about where the bits of Mum are to be found.... How does he know? Very suspicious. Once you have all the bits, find a needle and simply sew her back together. I'm glad he held nothing back with that.
The game itself is not dissimilar to Go To Hell, only you can't defy gravity this time, you jump around instead. It's a bit more forgiving than GTH and therefore more playable. And as before, the wildly colourful and nightmarish creations do not disappoint. John George Jones - wherever you are and whatever crazy s*** you're up to these days - don't ever change!
THE VERDICT
GO TO HELL 5/10
SOFT AND CUDDLY 6/10
TEAM SATANISM TOTAL 11/20
"They say the Devil has all the best tunes, but does he also have all the best games? Between these 2 and Airwolf, probably not. But don't tell our Lord Satan or you'll be cooking socks in Hell for all Eternity."
SPECTRUM VIDEO NASTIES
PART 4: SEXPLOITATION - FIERCE FEMALES ATTACK!
VIXEN by Martech (1988)
LEGEND OF THE AMAZON WOMEN by U.S. Gold (1986)
Poor Vixen, aka Corinne Russell, is stuck on the planet Granath with a load of (fairly small) dinosaurs. She was found as a baby and raised by foxes. No idea how that works, but it doesn't seem to have done her any harm, since she had a successful modelling career and all. She must fight off enemies with a cracking weapon - a whip! And she can even turn herself into a fox when the occasion demands it, which is... different.
Obviously this game caused a fair bit of titillation with its racy cover and publicity, not to mention Y.S. making it into a poster (I won't mention that, mine's a bit dog-eared by now). It's pretty darn tame by today's standards, but at the time it certainly raised a few... eyebrows. But is the game any good, or were Martech relying on all the hoo-ha to shift copies?
First impressions are rather good. The heroine is very nicely animated indeed, with a great whip-crack-away action, and the game zips along at a very pleasing pace. It's a bit reminiscent of the rather good Thundercats, in that you travel along whacking objects to reveal jewels, while the li'l dinos come at you from both sides, either high or low. There's a lot of whipping to be done, and the action is fast and frantic. I'm also reminded of the impressive Valley Of Rains, for which this game may well have been an inspiration.
After a couple of levels have been completed, something quite surprising happens. Well, surprising if you haven't read the instructions properly (me), or have temporarily forgotten (me again) or are generally old and addled (yep). You become a fox and have to scamper around (do foxes scamper or trot?) in search of more jewels, with no enemies to bother you this time, though there are holes to fall into. So for my money, this is a colourful and attractive jaunt, if a little quiet, and a game that probably does justify the hype for a change.
Legend Of The Amazon Women now. A plane crashes in the jungle, leaving but two survivors, wild Lady Wilde (Kim?) and her daughter. The daughter gets painfully snatched by the Amazons, so it's your motherly task to get her back from Jeff Bezos. You'd have thought women, being the more sensible sex, could just talk it over, but no, you have to bonk those wild females to death... with your club naturally.
Like Vixen, this one had a fairly dubious ad campaign going for it, featuring large 2-page hordes of fur bikini-clad females looking suitably bellicose. It was a bit strong, but then this is U.S. Gold we're talking about, not known for their subtlety or good taste. It certainly drew attention to the game though, and was a fair representation of it, to be honest. This is a scrolling club-'em-up, where you mostly bash the local tribeswomen to death to advance further rightwards, sorry eastwards, into the jungle. As you progress, you meet with arrows, spiky doodads and even dragons eventually.
The sprites are great, much like in Vixen, but after playing that game, this one seems painfully slow. You have to hit enemies for ages until they fall over, with little variety of moves, and things are slow going with your club. It could do with adopting the Vixen approach of fewer and weaker hostiles to make things more interesting. As such I must admit that I didn't persevere beyond the first level, but maybe if one is more patient, better things await deeper into the jungle, who knows?
THE VERDICT
VIXEN 7/10
LEGEND OF THE AMAZON WOMEN 5/10
TEAM SEXPLOITATION TOTAL 12/20
"Game Over... Barbarian... Psycho Pigs UXB... Everyone's A Wally. Well, you know, Wilma was quite... anyway, sorry got distracted there. We all know what the advertisers were trying on with their sneaky ploys, and being poor impressionable teenagers, we mostly got suckered into it!"
SPECTRUM VIDEO NASTIES
PART 5: GORE - WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
DRACULA by C.R.L. (1986)
JACK THE RIPPER by C.R.L. (1987)
Nowadays it's probably impossible to find Dracula scary. There have been so many vampire movies and novels over the years, it's all a bit cliched by now. Bram Stoker's original novel was a classic of course, even if the movie adaptation he did in the '90s was pants. But that was all quite a long time ago...
But back in 1986, CRL decided to create a little controversy with this, the first Spectrum horror adventure. It was rated certificate 15, which was interesting as surely a fair few Specfans at the time were below that age. But it did make some headlines, so it probably paid off, since hardly anyone bought adventures generally. I'm only joking, a couple of people did. Probably.
You play the part of Drac's solicitor, travelling to the evil cu... count's house in Pennyslvania (Note to self - check this later) to discuss him buying a property in Blightyland. The game is split into 3 parts, The First Night, which centres around a hotel near to Kount Kreepy's place. Then The Arrival, about your... arrival chez Vlad, then finally The Hunt, to do with antique hunting perhaps, haven't got that far.
There are a few little pics now and then but it's mostly a textual affair, as you'd expect with such famous literature as its source material. The descriptions are quite elaborate, which makes a nice change from "You see a tree", "Examine tree", "I don't know what you mean", "Oh F*** off", "I see no f*** here", "Quit". Overall it's not bad, heavy on the atmos, which is cool. Would have been better with a font you can actually read though. And yellow on blue? Hardly gothic, innit?
Next, Jack The Ni... Ripper. CRL were on a roll now, so promptly whipped out other gory tales, such as Frankenstein, Wolfman and this one, about everyone's favouritest old-time serial killer. They even managed an 18 cert for this game, so watch out for plenty of spurty blood and half a nipple, if you're lucky. This time you play the part of some randomer who fancied looking into all this unpleasant rippering business back in 1888, and doing his best to get ripped himself mostly.
There are lots of opportunities to get killed, maybe a few too many on the whole, but it keeps you on your toes that way. The text is very nicely written again, and definitely conveys much more ambience than most adventures. Some semi-gory pictures pop up now and then, most of which are more funny than scary these days, but at least they tried.
I found this to be an engaging game. Perhaps the gravitas of the subject matter makes it seem like a more realistic experience, more relatable than goblin bothering. And the screen is nicely laid out, with a much better font this time, and some colour used to break up all the text. My elderly eyes thank you, mister programmer.
On the whole, I'd say CRL's hype was justified, because they were producing games that were a bit different from the norm, and adaptations which were worthy of the original stories. And adventures with more descriptive text really did catch on later, with the likes of Magnetic Scrolls leading the way. So really, it's well done CRL. And a little extra ketchup never hurt anyone after all.
THE VERDICT
DRACULA 7/10
JACK THE RIPPER 8/10
TEAM GORE TOTAL 15/20
WE HAVE A WINNER!
"Looking back as an adult, it's clear to see that these adventures offered a grittier, more realistic experience than most others around. CRL milked the 15/18 cert side of things, but in all fairness, could you do these tales justice without getting a faceful of blood now and then?"
-FIN-
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