ROCK STAR ATE MY HAMSTER
plus mods
(Code Masters, 1989)
Some years later the Codies had a go at reproducing the drugs, sweat and beers of the music scene, with the emphasis firmly on silliness. Borrowing the infamous Freddie Starr headline and having the not as yet infamous Russell Brand (not really) chewing on a hamster leg and giving the finger on the loading screen sets the tone admirably. The game price? £9.99 or £12.99 on disk. Wait, what? I thought these guys were kings of the budget world? Sheesh...
Once you've picked yourself up off the floor and paid those excessive readies, you can start playing. You make the decisions for the hapless pair Cecil and Clive, who have flunked out of theatrical management and want to try their luck in the pop world instead. They make an amusing comedy act, Clive in particular hilarious in his unerring enthusiasm for, and ineptitude at, everything. There's an impressive 50 musicians to choose from in the original game, all with silly names and ace profile pictures. You can have 4 of them if you like. I created an inevitably short-lived supergroup with Tina Turnoff, Lemme, Dorrissey and the mysterious Bimbo Baggins. Their wage demands did for me within 2 weeks. Best to stick to one generally.
Once you've sorted out some probably stolen equipment, you have a few options. 'Practice' is important (probably) but sadly we don't witness the actual process, just Cecil and Clive yawning throughout. 'Publicity' stunts can be arranged by Clive, occasionally resulting in the literal death of your star, but more often going nowhere much. You can also pamper them with 'Gifts' to inflate those egos even more.
But the meat of the game lies in the 'Gig' and 'Release' choices. Gigging is a surefire way to rake in the readies, especially if you can sell out a stadium, even if the tickets only cost a fiver. While releasing a single and album can help too, particularly if accompanied by an expensive cheesy video. Steven Cheeseburger charges a cool £3m to direct, Clive a mere fiver! Clive helpfully suggests track titles very much at random while Cecil always, but always, accidentally wipes off one of the tracks by pressing the wrong button on the deck, the great buffoon.
Then there's the 'Community Chest' random elements. A record company may sign you up if you're lucky. A charity gig for such as The Prince's Truss might be offered, but it could also be a scam. A foreign company might pirate your records, and you can rough them up or buy them out. Which I did and it cost me an eye-watering £400k, little did I suspect. Gulp.
The great joy of this game is playing it for the first time, as the various elements are really well done and it's very graphically appealing and humorous. Trouble is, it seems proper tricky to get anywhere in the biz. I recruited happy-go-lucky Dorrissey as a solo artist, and was briefly excited to see his single scrape into the top ten. I spent a fortune promoting it, sending him to the Caribbean for the vid, but it just slumped, as did his album. I made a fair penny even so until he met an untimely end through one of Clive's stoopid stunts...
So it's not easy to succeed and the other disappointment is the lack of variety. The occasional unusual thing will happen, but when it doesn't things get highly repetitive. It's like the programmers got off to a great start, full of enthusiasm on a sugar rush, but then ran out of gas halfway through. But wait! There have been other versions of the game since - let's see if they can up the ante a bit.
Probably as one of Clive's naff publicity stunts, the Codies teamed up with loathsome rag The Sun to produce a subtly different version of the game, called Rock Star Goes Bizarre, as a competition prize. It's got a modified front screen and boasts even more spurious stars. Namely Jason Donner-Kebab, Coily Mynose (that's Kylie... I think) and By George. But also non-musicians Piers Organ (ptui), The Queer Mum (oh lordy), Furry (Fergie) and John-Paul Ringo II, aka The Pope. Ooh the temerity! Apart from this 'bizarre' new blood, the game remains the same.
But in 2021 Italians FIRE released another mod of the game, this time with another 50 more recent artists on it. Trouble is, most of them I'm too old and doddery to recognise. Erm, there's Brandy Cellar (Amy Winehouse of course, great pic too), Adeel with a comically chubby face, Redd Copycat (Ed Sheeran I believe), Waka Shaka (Shakira?) and best of all, surely the only proper rock star amongst them all, the late great Keef Lint! The rest I've no idea, sorry, just old.
So while the mods are good fun, and the pen pictures really are impressive, what this game really needs instead for an add-on is a whole load of new random events that can happen. An injection of variety would really boost the game as a whole and give it new life. I know I ask an awful lot, but never mind. As it is, this is still one of the Speccy's funnier moments, and great for a bit of a laff from time to time. To finish with a typical Cecil quote - "Drop dead, Clive".
THE SCORE ACCORDING TO GALLUP
82%
