50 TIMES CRASH GLITCHED!
Part 1
You’ll have to forgive the deliberately provocative title here, though it probably did get your attention if you’re being honest. First of all, let me make it clear that I worshipped Newsfield’s finest rag as a teenager, eagerly snapping up practically every issue up until around 1990 or so. And to see it come back recently has been a wonderful thing. Naturally I also bought quite a few copies of Your Sinclair and Sinclair User and enjoyed them too. But Crash always seemed to have the edge when it came to dependable and accurate reviewing, while YS and SU frequently seemed to go a bit ‘off-road’. As such the number of times I’d disagree with their reviews would surely go into the hundreds, but it was actually quite a challenge to find 50 times where Crash might have been in the wrong. It’s all subjective anyway of course, but Top 50s and Top 100s are always great for starting pointless arguments, aren’t they? And if there's one thing that retro gamers enjoy... So let the quibbling begin, with…
50. SIDEWIZE (Firebird) 50%
As I’ve mentioned in a previous review, this graphically impressive sideways shooter and its sequel really did split the audience. SU gave it a 10/10 Classic, the best possible score anything could ever get. And YS lauded it too, declaring it a 9/10 Megagame. While these two mags’ staffers must clearly have been sniffing glue at the time of playing it, Crash spectacularly disagreed. 50%. Quite literally only half-decent. I can’t get along with the game myself, however I think it definitely deserved better than half marks. What’s wrong with the middle ground, I ask you? Somewhere between all 3 sets of scores must surely be the right outcome here. Spectrum Computing’s user reviews make it a 7, although it seems whenever you average anything (Metacritic, yes) it comes out at a 7. Sounds bob-on to me though.
49. INDOOR SPORTS (Advance) 50%
Onto more obscure ground now, and I recall playing this one back in ’87, a rare Speccy release from Advance Software. It featured darts, ping pong, ten-pin bowling and, fabulously, air hockey. All games you could play without fear of getting sunburnt. Admittedly it didn’t have an exciting title, or much of a fanfare on release, but I remember the four games being pretty serviceable on the whole. SU gave it 4 out of 5 stars, still persevering with their minimalist ratings system at this point, and YS handed it 8/10. This seems a bit more like it, but Crash grumpily only gave it half marks again. I suppose it does prompt the unlikely question, which is better - Indoor Sports or Sidewize?
48. SUPER SOCCER (Imagine) 56%
Many aeons before the likes of FIFA and ISS, even before the age of Emlyn Hughes, in between Match Day and Match Day II there came Super Soccer. Early 1987 to be exact. I just about remember playing this for a while, but my over-riding memory of it is that the players were quite gangly compared to the stubby little guys of Match Day (who were to go even more Maradonaesque in Match Day II). I think it was a pretty alright game though, and so did SU (4*) and YS (8/10). So Crash’s mark does seem a bit curmudgeonly by comparison. Not the crime of the century, but there it is.
47. CHUCKIE EGG (A&F) 80%
In many ways Chuckie Egg is possibly the most famous Spectrum game ever. Ask anyone who’s ever had even a brief tinker on Sir Clive’s baby, and they’ll have heard of it. It was one of the early classics that had such simple gameplay, but was so addictive and very well programmed too, with bags of character. And once that bird got out of the cage, well… a more panicky time you’ll probably never experience in gaming. It was universally lauded and always raises a smile on people’s faces, so frankly, Crash – 80% is a bit of an insult really.
46. CHAOS (Games Workshop) 8/10
Now then. It has been well documented within these pages (no this isn’t a book, but it still works because web pages, see?) that Julian Gollop’s wizardy wonder is one of the absolute high points of Speccy gaming. So although Crash clearly liked it, as well they should, surely it cannot be disputed that they’ve still short-changed it criminally. It should be 9 and some might even claim 10 (shush Dave). SU acted similarly, giving it 4*. But YS were worst of all, its score averaging out to 6/10. Mainly because of some tw*t called Roger giving it a pathetic 2/5. Roger, I’m coming to hunt you down, son!
45. SHOCKWAY RIDER (F.T.L.) 67%
Gargoyle’s arcade label F.T.L. began with a bang with Light Force, then offered us this title. I have to admit I’ve not played it, but given how epic Light Force was, and how the Gargoyle posse have pretty much never erred to my recollection, maybe the Crash lads boobed here? SU went gaga with a 5* Classic and YS went hoop-la with a 9/10 Megagame. To be fair, I really need to play this now to see how the land lies. Let’s have a nose to see what the Spectrum Computing user reviews say. Hmmm, 6.6/10. Well, that makes me look like a right numpty now doesn’t it. Controversy reigns!
44. SORCERER LORD (P.S.S.) 70%
I did think this might be the sequel to the spiffy Swords & Sorcery, but it looks like it probably isn’t. It’s a fantasy game but has the look of many a C.C.S. or Lothlorien wargame. But surely it’s more interesting than those, what with all the magic and stuff? Crash’s rating might look fairly hedging-their-betsy but the other mags really went to town on it. Just the 10/10 Classic in SU and a 9/10 Megagame in YS. Admittedly those 2 mags tended to like strategic affairs more than Crash (they were more studious/boring), but the Ludlow lot seem a touch out of step with this one.
43. WIZ (Melbourne House) 38%
We’re still mired in the realms of games I haven’t played, I really need more time for research but you’ve got to have some mystery in your life, haven’t you? This looks like a maze game written partly by John “Booty” Cain, but clearly Crash hated its living guts, maybe due to lack of pirates. Or when they loaded it up with their dusty Currah Microspeech attached, they didn’t get the bonus game they were hoping for. While the others thought it was more of a 7/10 (YS) or even a 8/10 (SU). So what does Joe Punter say, aka the Spectrum Computing user reviews? Nothing. Nobody cares. Okay then.
42. TERROR OF THE DEEP (Mirrorsoft) 44%
What’s this then, a simulation of diving into Loch Ness for to find the renowned mythical monster? Sounds quite intriguing, if a little wet. Maybe Crash weren’t grown up enough for simulations in those days, I know I wasn’t either. They slated this while YS said it merited 8/10 and SU agreed with 4 stars. Even the by now crusty old punters who frequent the SC website say it’s worth 7, and they’re notoriously grumpy. Sorry Crash, you lose this time!
41. THRUST II (Firebird) 48%
Hurray, one that I’ve actually played! I think I bought the thing actually, extravagant bugger that I must have been, splashing out a whole 2 squid for it. I remember it was rock hard but on the whole quite a cool game, and one that looked to expand on the original, which everyone liked. Ah no, wait a minute. Crash only gave Thrust I 76%. Then this. Clearly they weren’t very proficient thrusters, ooer fnar hatstand bundle etc. How about the others? 5* in SU, a 9/10 Megagame in YS. Talk about extremes…
40. MAGNETRON (Firebird) 57%
I don’t think there’s ever been anyone who’s disliked Quazatron. It was universally lauded, even by the likes of me who couldn’t play it for toffee. However the law of sequels states that you can probably expect something incredibly similar, but maybe not quite as good. Then the third entry in the series gets a bit worse, and on it goes. But a drop from 94% to 58% - how bad must this sequel have been? Judging by SU’s 10/10 Classic (jeez, calm down guys) and YS’s 8/10, probably not bad at all. Did Steve Turner, in his cardigan and a balaclava borrowed from Mr. Townsend, firebomb Crash Towers when they weren’t looking and they held a grudge ever since?
39. LITTLE COMPUTER PEOPLE (Activision) 57%
This was massively ahead of its time, wasn’t it? Creating a little man in a little house, then doing various things to keep him happy, so he doesn’t get suicidal and burn the place down? Decades later The Sims was a huge hit, though I’ve never quite seen the attraction myself. Bit like Big Brother. But most seemed to dig it, with SU and YS recognising how ground-breaking it must have been, with a 5* Classic and a 9/10 Megagame respectively. While grumpy Crash gave it a measly 57%. You’ve got to think they didn’t have the patience for this one.
38. SUPER SPRINT (Electric Dreams) 58%
Hmm interesting. I was just trying to figure out which came out first, this game or the Codies’ Grand Prix Simulator. Looks like Crash reviewed GPS in October ’87, then this game the following month. And they didn’t like either. Maybe this genre is more Marmite than I’d have thought, but all I know is that my mates and I had great fun with both games, for all their individual foibles. 3D Stock Cars blew them into the reeds eventually, but this was still top multiplayer fun. Oddly YS gave it 5/10 and SU were only slightly more generous with a 7/10 rating. Frankly, this is all just plain wrong!
37. NEMESIS THE WARLOCK (Martech) 61%
I'm surprised and disappointed at myself for never having played this game. I’m a fairly recent convert to 2000 A.D., and Nemesis the comic is one of the all time classics. Slaine ain’t bad either, but I also haven’t played that – I feel a double review coming on soon to make amends. I have to admit it looks no great shakes and Crash gave it a mediocre score as you can see. But you know what I’m going to say next. Yes, SU had it at a 5* Classic and YS a 9/10 Megagame. So there’s got to be some substance in there, they don’t just give those awards away y’know. Oh hang on…
36. KNIGHTMARE (Activision) 62%
We all watched the offbeat TV show at the time, featuring Treebeard before he became an Ent. And we all enjoyed laughing at hapless teenagers stumbling about the place wearing dark helmets and repeating “You’re in a rooooom”. And the game looks intriguing enough. Admittedly I’m trusting SU on this, which is rarely a good move, but they gave it the absolute max treatment. Yes, again. 7/10 from YS is more lukewarm. Alright, this one is a bit of a punt, but there still remains the distinct possibility that Crash might have misjudged this unusual adventure.
35. WEC LE MANS (Imagine) 66%
Most racing games were positively lapped up (unintentional pun) by both gamers and mags alike. There were so many good ones, and the odd duffer naturally. Maybe the excessive amount of them counted against this title by the time 1989 came round, and Crash had just had enough of them. I bought it when it hit budget price, and found it was pretty good really. I didn’t quite have the same enthusiasm level as SU (91% Classic) and YS (9/10 Megagame) but it should certainly have been a solid 80%er in my book. Maybe Crash didn’t have the endurance for it (geddit), or alternatively they may have played it for 24 hours straight until they vomited, then did their review.
34. TERRORPODS (Melbourne House) 30%
Eh, what’s this then? I should know as I compiled the list, but I’m none the wiser actually. I just noticed the stark difference between Crash’s mark and the Sinclairses’. 70% in SU, conversely 7/10 in YS. It looks spacey and shooty and is a conversion of a 16-bit ‘classic’ the inlay brags. I think Crash must have got pi$$ed at our Australian friends at some point (ref. Wiz at #44), as it certainly doesn’t look like a game that would get 30%. Even Blade Runner got more than that.
33. TRANTOR (Go!) 68%
We’ve been over this before, with specific reference to the shonky ‘80s rock choon on the B-Side. Oh, and I forgot I did a review of it too before that, how time flies. There’s a pattern emerging in some of these cases, namely that SU (10/10 Classic) and YS (9/10 Megagame) go massively OTT, while Crash decide to go massively UTT. Tends to be with most of these that the truth lies somewhere in the middle, and that’s certainly true here, as it’s not a bad game on the whole.
32. QUARTET (Activision) 36%
It could be that the Newsfield boys were not fond of Activision too, as they’ve come up a few times thus far. I’m sure they must have liked some of their games, let’s have a check. Ah yes, they Smashed Enduro Racer, Hammerfist, Mindshadow, The Real Ghostbusters and Time Machine. But boy did they hate Quartet, another one clobbered into the 30% range. SU said 9/10, over-exciteable as ever, but YS also dug it, giving it 8/10. All I’ll say is it doesn’t look like a 36% game, but looks can deceive as we know.
31. IKARI WARRIORS (Elite) 76%
The mighty Crash didn’t actually disagree with the mighty-ish YS and… SU on this game. 7 from the SU jury and 8 from YS. There were similarities to Commando of course, strong ones. But Commando was surely a classic, and this game offered the chance for 2 player destruction on an unprecedented level. This facet of the game alone means it should surely be not too far off the 90% kind of range. I don’t think these reviewers had time to play with their mates, with monthly deadlines looming. Or maybe they just lacked mates, like me. At least I’ve got the excuse that I’m very old now.
30. DALEY THOMPSON'S SUPER TEST (Ocean) 76%
Despite its joystick-hating gameplay, pretty much everyone enjoyed Mr. Thompson’s Decathlon as it was quite original, on the Speccy at least, if not in the arcade. Crash gave that one 82%, perhaps a bit on the low side. The year after there was a big fight between this game and Hypersports, which the Joffa title rightly won. But D.T.S.T. really wasn’t that far behind, and there was plenty to enjoy with the wide range of sporty gubbins on offer. YS really liked it, a 9/10 Megagame no less, while SU had it at 4*. I don’t think Crash were a million miles out, but far enough to justify inclusion in this list.
29. DYNAMITE DAN (Mirrorsoft) 94%
This one’s a bit controversial possibly. The sequel to this game I absolutely loved, a real Spectrum classic. But the original? As great as it looks, I think the playability factor is way out of whack. It’s nigh on impossible to get anywhere in the game, with a ludicrous amount of baddies constantly coming at you. It’s hugely impressive just how much is going on at once, but I would argue it’s too much. And I think Crash were so taken with the game’s looks, they went rather over the top on the score. SU gave it 5* but no Classic, while YS really went low with 7/10. Hmmmm…
28. PRESIDENT (Addictive) 29%
Now I haven’t played this game, and admittedly this site often has a playful swipe at Kevin Toms’ publicity machine, but surely it’s not possible that this game merits such a pitiful rating? It looks quite primitive and did come a whole 5 years after the iconic Football Manager, but those strategy lovers SU saw fit to give it 4*, while YS acted similarly with a 7/10 score. I think the Crash boys must surely have been guilty of a lack of respect here – the guy practically invented the football management genre. And made the beard uber-fashionable for hipsters to come.
27. THE GROWING PAINS OF ADRIAN MOLE
(Virgin) 88%
I just noticed that this game was published by Virgin, quite funny considering how Mole’s constantly trying to get his end away and failing! We all know and love Level 9 for their myriad accomplished adventures over the years, but the Adrian Mole games were a bit different. Though not in a good way. The first landed in ’85 and was viewed as quirky amusement, albeit with terrible blocky pictures. Fair enough. But did the world really need a massively similar sequel 2 years later? SU had it at 3* while YS appear to have refused to review it. Probably not, but you can’t really blame them.
26. WONDER BOY (Activision) 43%
Well well, Crash’s Activision hatred continues apace! I don’t think this was the worst of arcade conversions, despite the inevitable monochrome fare. The graphics are quite nice and it plays okay, if a bit slow. SU gave it 8/10 and YS 7/10, which I feel like I’ve said a million times by now, how predictable. Crash certainly didn’t play it safe and slagged it off viciously. It always came as a bit of a shock when they really went to town on a game like this, as they were usually spot-on. Apart from these 50 examples of course!
TO BE CONTINUED SOON!
CAN YOU STAND THE TENSION???