"All I want for Christmas is goooooooo..."
THE UNOFFICIAL ZOMBO'S CHRISTMAS CAPERS
(Monsterbytes, 2016)
Malcolm Kirk likes to have a play with games designing software, it’s fair to say. He’s had a go on 3D Construction Kit, the one which Incentive did their Freescape stuff with (remember 3D Splat?), producing Loups Garoux and Dead By Dawn. And he also dabbled with C.R.L.’s dubious 3D Game Maker, of which no good ever came, by making Dredd Over Eels and Sam Slade. And finally he thought he’d give Jonathan Cauldwell’s ubiquitous Arcade Game Designer a whirl, making a couple of efforts starring a certain ‘Zombo’. What a colourful paragraph, time to look for my migraine tablets...
So what is a ‘Zombo’? Well if you have a decent knowledge of the works of those splendid folk at 2000 A.D. comi… sorry, graphic novels, you might know. He popped up in a couple of serieses in that brilliant rag, with the premise that he’s one of the undead clearly, hence the name, but he’s a remarkably polite one. He’ll ask if he can chew on your arm before just going ahead and doing it. I’ve read a couple of the stories and can confirm it’s not bad, if not perhaps one of the most outstanding moments in their illustrious history.
And now a quick aside about comi… graphic novels. I’ve really got into these lately because since becoming a parent 11 years ago I no longer seem to be able to stay awake for long enough to read a ‘proper’ book. I read ten minutes, fall asleep, then next time I resume about 10 pages further back to try to figure out what was going on last time. It’s no good, so I’ve given up on them and turned to comi… oh what the hell, let’s call them what they are. Though I feel they’re somewhat removed from the Beano and Whizzer And Chips, which I favoured a loooooong time ago. Judge Dredd never shot The Bash Street Kids to s**t as far as I can remember, more’s the pity.
Back in the late ‘80s, I’d heard of 2000 A.D. on and off, partly through the few Speccy games that featured their characters, and was advised they were quite ‘punky’ and more, well… British than the massive army of Marvel and DC comics with their endless superheroes. So a few years back I bought some of their bookish offerings, including Nemesis The Warlock, and found them to be really good. Quite gritty and with an ever-present black sense of humour for lols. So I’d say to you all that it's never too late to get into graphic novelry, check it out – you’ll love it or I’ll give you your money back (not really). Just don’t buy one individual 2000 A.D. comic like I did at first – it won’t make any sense as all the stories will already be well in progress. Nemesis is as epic a place to start as any, that’s messed up.
Aside over. This wasn’t Mr. Kirk’s first Zombo game actually. He did one simply called ‘Zombo’ in 2015 which New Crash reviewed, giving it a healthy 84%. A year later he decided to make a follow-up with a Christmassy flavour to it. Because why not? And I’m greatly indebted to him for so doing, as I was really struggling trying to find another modern game that seemed interesting enough and crucially begins with a ‘U’ for this feature. Good work, Captain Kirk!
“FIGGY PUDDING!” screams our green anti-hero on the impressive loading screen. It’s so nice to see that zombies enjoy the festive season too, they deserve prezzies and time off work as much as us un-undead types, otherwise it’s just racist. And there’s a treat in store once loading has finished too. The game crashes. But wait, there’s more than a touch of the Brian Bloodaxes here. That error message looks a little irregular – “C Eggnog in BASIC, 0:2”, where’s my Sinclair manual? Then the 128k menu, with an intriguing option for “Killer Bees”. Mr. Kirk has well and truly embraced the 2000 A.D. mentality here, and I for one LOVE IT!
There follows a screen with El Zomberino wearing a xmas hat and an earnest message to “TRUST YOUR GOVERNMENT”. It’s reminiscent of that classic subversive movie “They Live” in tone. You know, the one where ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper runs out of bubblegum and has to chew butts instead. And there’s a two minute long fight in an alley over who’s got the best sunglasses. I’m afraid if you haven’t watched it and loved it, I’m not going to allow you to continue reading this review.
Right, now that they’ve gone, those of us with great taste can crack on merrily, it being xmas in Zombieland and all. But wait, Little Saint Nick has gone and had a psychotic break, according to the humorous inlay, and the Government are insisting that poor Zombo do the job instead, and find Santa too if poss. There’s a staggering 6 presents to find (they better be good ones) before our hero can put his feet up on Xmas night.
He has, oh I don’t know, about 20 screens to negotiate, many with marauding folk on the Naughty List who want to hamper his efforts and drain his energy, which isn’t high anyway since he’s a zombie. There are coloured keys around and about and some quite weird objects, such as a 2000 A.D. annual and a rubber Godzilla, but the most useful is the Shootybang 2000, which he can shoot baddies with. It’s quite the majestic sight seeing a zombie firing a gun at folk, you don’t see it every day, even in Hollywood.
Other bizarre moments including saying hello to good old Horace while he’s enjoying a bit of apres-ski in a log cabin, the game ending which I can’t really talk about (sorry) and the message you get when you die - “Zombo mulled, but he’ll be repeated. God save us from the Trump!” A message that’s as true now as it’s ever been.
I was going to do a bit about Speccy Xmas games generally, but everyone’s done that to death already, so nah. I reckon The Snowman is possibly the best of an average bunch. So forget that, I’ll go straight to the graphics/colour/sound bit. The graphics are good enough for this type of game and quite amusing on the whole, making for an admirably weird xmas theme. Colour is used very well, with plenty of snow on the ground everywhere. Sound is functional, some zombie-esque music might have been nice I guess, but no matter.
You get 3 lives, as is the zombie way possibly, and it’s an easy enough game to complete, which is appropriate to the festive nature of the whole thing. It’s fundamentally straightforward and probably wouldn’t win many Game of the Year awards, even from the ever generous Planeta Sinclair, but that’s not really the point. It’s just a good laugh and a bit of a treat for fans of 2000 A.D. So always remember to trust your Government, and would it be okay if I chewed on your arm for a bit please?
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