Forget Xylophone Simulator and X-Ray Animals, here's:
XENOXXX FUNTIME SHOW
(Arbitrary Files, 2018)
Part of the reason why I enjoy doing these alphabetical features is that I like to go above and beyond in the field of finding obscure stuff to check out and comment on. Anyone can find a game that begins with ‘S’ (like duh… erm…), but finding a modern one starting with an ‘X’ is more my kind of challenge. For a while things looked grim, I won’t lie to you, but then from out of the dry ice, a la Stars In Their Eyes or a Sisters Of Mercy gig, strode Xenoxxx Funtime Show. If a game can indeed stride. This one is more likely to adopt a Silly Walk that would put John Cleese to shame.
I thought at first this might have been off of one of those yearly tape thingies, whose name eludes me for now. They usually have little fun and sometimes funny segments, choc-ful of in-jokes, mostly about good old Clive Sinclair. But no, this one comes courtesy of the mysterious Arbitrary Files, whose only other title is Super Enquiry Simulator, of which more later. It’s by David Walford, as is S.E.S., but also by someone called Paul Rose. The peerless Spectrum Computing advises me that Xenoxxx Funtime Show is based on something on Youtube called Mr. Biffo’s Found Files. Obscurer and obscurer, we’ll be performing a quirkafleeg before we know it, if we’re not careful.
I like to go off at a tangent, so it seems that before playing the game properly, I should check out this Biffo business. It seems it’s nothing to do with our binmen round here, it’s actually a series of comedy shows made by Paul “Mr. Biffo” Rose himself. Watch the first one and some crazy American guy called Goujon John, who can’t pronounce ‘goujons’ properly, is forcing me to buy his merchandise even though it “tastes baaaaaaaaad”. Then an advert for Roaming Thomas, a sort of psychotic Roomba. Episode 2 introduces us to the Ghee Lord, a He-Man lookalike with too-short shorts (by far, seriously, you’d have to see it) who’s into making curries I think, then later an episode of Improve My Tarp based on Noughties Fun-For-Five-Minutes cult TV classic Pimp My Ride.
Alright, none of it sounds even slightly funny when I say it, but I can assure you that this is some funny, effed-up poop (damn this language censor). When it hits, it really hits hard, and there’s so very much anarchic fun to watch, it’s criminal really. I’d restrict yourself to watching no more than a couple a day, otherwise you risk terminal brain injury, but viewing it in moderation can definitely restore your faith in existence. If you’re into mad, sick things naturally. It’s reminiscent of ‘90s cult icon Victor Lewis-Smith’s style – fast, surreal, often disturbing but never dull, original comedy stylings. It’s not Michael McIntyre. It eats Michael McIntyre’s smug face off while joyously spitting out bits of goujon in his torn-off fizzog.
Oh, well it seems like I’m massively late to the Mr Biffo train, as he did various teletext based content back in the ‘90s and has been a cult figure (yes I said cult) for decades now. Ah well, better late than never. It seems recently he and his missus have got into spoofy conspiracy theory type documentaries, as there are plenty of those on his Youtube channel to boot. I watched one and can report it was “top notch” and has convinced me that the Illuminati really do run the UK from their base at Milton Keynes. He also reminds me of Charlie Brooker somewhat, when he was young, peed off and hadn’t yet stared into, and subsequently got trapped within, the Black Mirror.
And even for me, that has to be the longest I’ve ever gone on without actually starting to talk about the game proper. Five paragraphs, are ya proud of me? Okay then, so Xenoxxx Funtime Show is a two-pronged attack on all that is good and reasonable. The first is effectively a messed-up slideshow full of in-jokes, but not prohibitively so. And the second is an odd maze game. If you happen to have the secret codes to access it, which thankfully are readily obtainable from the darkweb. I’ll not say too much about this first bit bar my caption comments, as I don't want to spoil it for you, but suffice to say it’s full of frivolous fun.
Once you’ve got the codes right, you can play the game proper. You are a small robot, possibly Roaming Thomas himself, and you must roam around a big maze finding a way out, as well as many a distinctly odd and un-useful thing. Like a dead Xenoxxx soldier and a goujon, just to keep the chickeny theme going. It’s futuristic, atmospheric (a little like the first Alien game) and generally infuriating, but it’s really just an excuse to get in as many in-jokes as possible. Which is fine as most of the humour is pretty amusing. There’s a long intro to this bit which resembles when you started up DOS on your ‘90s PC – a million and one bizarre messages about “installing” this and “preparing” that. The funometer duly reads “fun”.
A quick word about Super Enquiry Simulator now. You have sent a form to a large organisation and are chasing up its progress, you know the kind of thing. Needless to say, getting anywhere proves taxing and involves a LOT of phone conversations, nearly all of which make suicide seem increasingly attractive. You can play it in ‘arcade’ mode or ‘simulation’ mode, i.e. real-time waiting, which the inlay describes as “needlessly prolonged and unfair.” It’s highly repetitive as befits the subject matter, but if you do try attempting this game, do persevere, as things eventually come to a fairly disturbing, supernatural outcome. Nuff said.
So in conclusion, although Xenoxxx Funtime Show is not really a proper game as such, I have found it to be a quirky, fun-packed gateway to a whole new exciting world of Biffo-ness which promises to keep me entertained for quite some time. And for that I thank it (besides, Lord Xenoxxx will have me strung up for faithlessness if I don’t. Hail Xenoxxx! (nervous laughter))
Thanks for another fine piece on weird/unknown rarities for the Speccy. Thanks to your articles, I already found me a couple of great titles I'd hardly would ever know about otherwise, after all these years of speccy'ing around.
By the way, where are the Curiosities of the Modern Age A to F ? Can't seem to find a link to those.