Feature Re-Mix: Al 'n' Dave's Spectrum Jukebox Jury

I thought since we're in the middle of a new Al 'n' Dave bit, I'd interrupt it with a funky '80's Ben Liebrand remix of my personal favourite Al 'n' Dave bit of all time. We did it under the old format of my website, so it might not have been seen by many at the time, so hoping it might give some people some entertainment now. For maximum enjoyment, please check out these tunes on the godlike Spectrum Computing website, as I'm fairly sure they're all on there. I'd put the links on here but frankly I think you should do something yourself. So now please do mentally prepare to immerse yourself in the murky world of Spectrum-based music...

Al 'n' Dave's

Spectrum  

Jukebox Jury

Like many kids growing up in the '80s, I regularly listened to the Top 40 every Sunday afternoon, enjoying the dulcet tones of Mr. Bruno Brookes, and getting unnecessarily excited about how well some of my fave tunes were doing in the 'Hit Parade'.  This was before I realised that most Top 40 songs are pants, but back then they seemed considerably less pants.  I mean, have you heard the radio these days?  Sheesh.

Then later in my teenage years, novelty songs began to take over, and my mates and I tended to listen to these while playing Speccy games.  Usually humorous and/or obscene numbers!  Monty Python albums were favourites of course, featuring such classics as 'I'm So Worried', 'Eric The Half A Bee' and 'Finland' to name the very few that sound harmless enough today.  Other much-repeated numbers that spring to mind include 'I'm The Man' by Anthrax, 'Golf' by Art Phag and 'The Poppadom Song' by someone so obscure even Google can’t locate them.

There was very little crossover between the Spectrum and silly, or even serious music.  But some software houses thought it was a good idea to put actual music on the B-sides of their Speccy games.  Not many, but some.  And not always to cover up the poor quality of what was on the A-side of the tape.

We got to experience the aural joys of 'Pimania' and even 'Everyone’s A Wally' if you really must.  Which got me to thinking whether any other obscure ‘classics’ could be found on our mouldy old tapes of yore.  I did find some, 20 to be exact, which is really way too many.  But I think they deserve a fair-ish hearing, so now you all must suffer.  Well, if you look them up on Spectrum Computing, you too can draw your own misguided opinions on the subject!  We're rating all 20 with a mark out of ten, so strap in and endure the ride...

MUSIC PROFILE

Name: Al

Fave music genres:

Darksynth, metal, trance

Avatar:

CYBERMUNKY 2077

MUSIC PROFILE

Name: Dave

Fave music genres:

Rock, metal, cheesy retro pop

Avatar:

SHREDMASTER GENERAL

TRACK NO. 1

'Dartz' by Automata

"Automata of course were the kings of the novelty song.  It seems that they made a song for practically every Spectrum game they released, and even produced their own 'Greatest Hits' tape, which probably sold better than any of their games.  Most of their musical efforts do actually demonstrate a reasonably high level of skill.  Again, unlike most of their games.  But how awesome of them to be able to do both music and programming – a bit like my good buddy Dave, who will offer his opinion shortly.

This number is predictably hilarious.  It’s a slow, bluesy affair with someone doing a Sid Waddell (legendary Geordie darts commentator) voice, playing the part of the chucker of ‘arras’, gradually getting drunker and more inaccurate as the song goes on.  At one point he hits a passing car!  The strains of 'Jerusalem' being played on an organ can be heard in the background to add to the dizzying experience.  Personally, I like it.  Haven’t played the game, but that looks suitably anarchic too, involving a realistic amount of drunkenness."

7.5 / 10

“There’s only one word for that… Magic Darts!”.  All that talk about getting drunk reminded me of that Smith & Jones darts sketch.  I’m chortling now, just thinking about it.  Chortle.

As far as the music goes, it gets a bit ploddy after a bit.  Definitely a couple of extra marks for shoehorning the bizarre wibbly-wobbly 'Jerusalem' in.  Despite the Newcastle accent sounding decidedly ropey at times…"

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 2

'Moons Of Jupiter' by Alexander Goldscheider (from Wriggler)

"So this came on the back of Romantic Robot’s only software release, the ace Wriggler.  It’s almost as though RR weren’t sure what they were doing, releasing a frivolous game, rather than their various Multifaces, so they chucked a choon on as well just in case.  This track features on Alexander Goldscheider’s album 'Themes For A One-Man Band, Volume 1'.  But you knew that.

This is a fun little choon.  It’s a bit like 'La Serenissima' by Rondo Veneziano, which sometimes appeared on ‘80s TV when they had some time to fill between progs, and not enough adverts.  It had a load of faceless robots playing in an orchestra while Venice was engulfed by a tsunami, or some such – pretty spooky actually, but a good tune.  This is an enjoyable few minutes of retro synthiness along similar lines.  Does this mean Wriggler took place on Jupiter?  Could be."

9 / 10

"Yeeeaaahhh…!  This one’s pumping...!  I can definitely imagine something like this synth-y offering on a modern day ZX Speccy 128k demo scene program.

I’m now wondering what it’d be like to play Wriggler with this in the background.  Hmmm, probably a bit weird, but I’d definitely take it over the painfully slow beepy 'Wings of a Dove' rendition when your poor little worm dies and leaves a sad little skeleton.  Do worms even have skeletons?"

8 / 10

TRACK NO. 3

'Right This Time' by Resister

(from Side Arms)

"The mighty-ish Resister allegedly contributed 5 songs to Go! games, according to this game’s inlay, but an obscure page on the internet calls them a “very short-lived UK rock band, most famous for having their songs on 3 Spectrum games”.  Guess the option wasn’t taken up on the other two…

This one starts off sounding like Van Halen’s 'Jump' or 'Turn It On Again' by Genesis at a push, before descending into soft rock tedium.  At least the keyboard player is giving it some welly.  Don’t think this tune would help you zap many aliens, or whatever you do in Side Arms.  Might as well jump…"

5 / 10

"Well I don’t know this band but can already imagine the keyboard player being surrounded by a minimum of 5 keyboards.  Perhaps even 7 or 8.

I’m thinking about how well these tunes would go alongside the game, not sure whether this fits the shmup… But hell, I don’t care, I love it, and in doing so have revealed just a tiny part of my dodgy music taste to the world."

8.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 4

'Iron Maiden' (?) by H.E.X.

(from Soft And Cuddly)

"What The Power House lacked in decent games, they certainly made up for in excessive whackiness.  The inlay has two aliens shouting “Yowzer! Brilltoid! All music by House Electronic Experience via Wayne Allen”.  Googling the same brought up only an Amstrad Power House game called Barrier Reef and its associated H.E.X. track, but nothing more.  Shame.

But this isn’t a house track even slightly.  It’s a pop oddity, sounding quite Beach Boysy with a driving bass track, then a shouty bit a la Roger Taylor from Queen, then a chorus which repeats “To be an iron maiden” or maybe “To be in Iron Maiden”.  It’s odd, but weirdly I rather like it."

8.5 / 10

"I’m going with “To be AN iron maiden”, though I’m struggling to understand 90% of the lyrics in this one.  Quite an interesting track, sounds as if it’s probably about something quite thoughtful and poignant, but it could be about anything.

I guess an iron maiden would fit in with Soft And Cuddly’s murderous theme, but it’s a cool tune nonetheless.  And (warning!) a proper earworm.  Perhaps it should’ve been on the Wriggler tape instead (ho ho)."

8.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 5

'Pi-Land National Anthem' by Automata (from Olympimania)

"Olympimania was one of this lot’s better games, a quite playable Speccy version of BBC classic Daredevil Dennis, which I played loads in the school computer room.  It was that game and Frak! If I recall correctly.  Elite wasn’t around yet...

But little did I know there was also a song to accompany it.  It’s Automata, so of course it’s silly, and it’s not bad.  For a minute or so anyway, it pretty much outstays its welcome by 4 minutes 41 seconds.  Martin Luther King does some epic guest vocals, then a Pink Floydy feel takes over as the singer extols the virtues of Pi-Land.  No greed, no fighting, and importantly, no tape loading errors!  I think it’s in 3 parts, which really is over-egging things, one is more than sufficient.  Typical Automata."

6.5 / 10

“No Benny Hill”?  Tsk, where would the '80s be without him...?  There would’ve been a lot less national titillation for a start.  If this came with Olympimania, I’m assuming it’s probably Pi-Land’s national anthem, and gets played when you win a medal.

The game is actually OK, and this track is… OK-ish I suppose.  Kind of a Lennon vibe without the drugs.  Or maybe with."

6 / 10

TRACK NO. 6

'Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly)' by Whistlin' Rick Wilson

"In August ’89 Your Sinclair, with no warning, unleashed this ‘banger’ on its covertape.  A song penned by one of its staffers and his flatmate.  I remember being totally bemused by this at the time, it was so very random.  And even though I probably only listened to it twice at the most, this ditty still gets stuck in my head far too regularly…

It’s just under 2 minutes worth of odd, old-time crooning parody (I think), sung in a fairly competent karaoke style.  Its shining moment in recent times was featuring among the other Speccy in-jokes in the excellent Lumo on PS4.  And the other day some guy on Facebook said he’d laughed when he heard a fellow parent say to his kid at school “Hold my hand very tightly” when crossing the road. What can I say, it’s kinda epic despite everything about it."

8 / 10

"Ah yeah, I remember this one (this one) [this one].  Possibly one of the more known songs on this list, to a ‘retro-head’ anyway.  Or whatever we’re called - I’m sure a few words spring to mind…

Not sure about the fandom it seems to have got over the years – seems pretty bang average to me (cue sharp intakes of breath).  Quite catchy and sing-a-longy though I suppose."

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 7

'Main Theme' by Tiurula

(from Valley Of Rains)

"Russian band Tiurula produced a whole album’s worth of O.S.T. for this game, which is quite an effort.  You’re meant to play it while ploughing through the game, but I dunno.  I can’t see myself listening to any of the tracks we’re looking at here at the same time as playing their respective games.  It’s just a bit weird.  I like to keep my games and music interests separate personally, despite this article.  The only music I’ll enjoy while playing a Spectrum game is Spectrum music.  So there!

But this ain’t bad.  Good in bits and a bit dated sounding in other bits.  It’s great that Zosya went to such lengths, but I wonder if this meant they struggled to get a good AY track working during gameplay, slowing things down too much?  Call me cynical…"

7 / 10

"Eh?  Surely you need to at least consider the game vibe the tune came with, for these reviews?  Gah, I suppose you now want me to go back and change my ratings.  Well, I’m not going to.  So there.

Anyway, this is quality, a catchy tune, well arranged, well played, and I reckon it’d go with the game – sort of.  It’s also the first one that makes me want to go and see the band.  If it is a band.  And if they came to the UK.  Near me."

9.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 8

'The Fight' by Resister

(from Trantor)

"I guess Resisterance is useless.  This track sounds a bit like Steve Winwood or maybe 'Jump' by Van Halen.  Again.  It’s perfectly well executed soft rock, very much the sort of thing Trantor himself would be rocking on his Walkman back in ’87 as he blasted the odd alien.

It’s not really acceptable in this day and age, but because it’s SO very ‘80s, it has a certain antique charm.  For some reason if I start humming it, it ends up turning into 'Brass In Pocket' by The Pretenders instead."

6 / 10

"Oh, it’s Resister again.  You know my feelings on this sort of stuff, it’s decent musicianship and both fun and relaxing to listen to… You hear that Al…??  Relax…!  JUST RELAX…!!!!

This one sounds a bit like music you’d hear to a film montage of some sorts.  Perhaps a military theme as well.  Though I think I (just) prefer the other track, so it’s going to lose a point for that."

8 / 10

TRACK NO. 9

'Everyone's A Wally' by Mike Berry

"The inlay claims “Includes hit single by Mike Berry”.  Well, he did have quite a few hit songs and even starred in 'Are You Being Served?' for a bit.  But this tune wasn’t really a ‘hit’, even though the game certainly was.

It’s an annoyingly chirpy Cockney ditty about how Wally tries to build a house but constantly cuts corners and messes it up, getting his mates to help too. Was that the point of the game?  I can’t remember, I got nowhere in it personally.  Anyway, it’s not exactly on a level with 'Right Said Fred' by Bernard Cribbins.  Or even Right Said Fred themselves."

5.5 / 10

"I actually think I played the game in the '80s whilst listening to this song.  Though not for long, and I couldn’t get anywhere in the game either.  Have to say that the whistling is better than what you hear in 'Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly)'.

It’s going to get extra marks from me, for lyrics that tie in with the game.  I’m not sure how much I could listen to it, but a classic all the same."

7.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 10

'Leader Of The Pac' by Lady Sinclive & The PiMen

(from Morris Meets The Bikers)

"This Panic clone includes a “Free tear-jerking nostalgic single on the flipside”.  And lo, a comedic take on The Shangri-Las’ 1965 hit was found.  For fans of random pop trivia, Julian Clary also covered this in ’88 when he was known as The Joan Collins Fanclub.

It starts with “Is he really going out with a Pacman?” and from then on contains amusingly offensive lyrics aplenty, sung extremely badly.  It’s (possibly) about Pacman falling off his motorbike, one tasteful line being “I found his corpse right there in the street (street, street). His entrails squished between my feet (feet, feet)”.

6 / 10

"Oh jeez, I’m not sure quite how much more Automata out-of-tune crooning I can take.  I guess they need something to distract attention away from the game… (Actually that’s probably a bit harsh, IIRC the game isn’t that bad).

I suppose it was 1983 - if I’d found a 4-track recorder, a cheap Casio keyboard and a microphone I might have given it a go.  Though there’s absolutely nothing that will compel me to listen to this again…"

5 / 10

TRACK NO. 11

'Walking Away From You' (?) by H.E.X.

(from Custerd's Quest)

"We have no more details about this H.E.X. track than for the other ones.  The inlay suggests “For a 12 inch single mix of H.E.X. music on cassette, send £1.99 to The Power House”.  Whatever happened to 12 inch singles?  They used to be all the rage – the main song repeated, with some unnecessarily long instrumental sections.  Great stuff!

The game is actually quite good apparently.  As for the song, it’s quite a mellow affair, which sounds a bit rough at first.  But by the end it had quite grown on me and did appear to constitute a proper song.  It sounds a bit like if Goldfrapp attempted reggae, which they should never do.  But it’s quite a nice breezy tune with an infectious bassy riff.  Not bad warbling, I’ve heard worse."

6.5 / 10

"I really need to give this game a proper go, as it got a Crash Smash and everything.  I always thought it was spelled like the yellow pudding-y sauce (custard).  Though that’s not important right now.

Anyway, quite a nice, mellow track and singing voice.  Though the snare sounded a bit weird to my ears, and the more I listened to it, the weirder it got.  Ends a bit abruptly as well, presumably someone may have stopped the tape prematurely before the DJ’s voice cut in."

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 12

'Who's Crying Now?' by Resister

(from Captain America)

“For the first time, on side 2 of the game you will be able to hear some great rock music on your hi-fi” screams the inlay.  How ‘down with the kids’ were those Go! guys, huh? “If you think Resister irresistible then please write and let us know”.  I suspect that brought about as many letters as the offer of the 12 inch tape by H.E.X.  The writing on the tape confirms that this was recorded in mono, not stereo.  Sheesh, that’s commitment for you.

Keyboards in rock songs?  It’s all a bit ‘70s A.O.R. really.  This one at least isn’t a Van Halen rip-off, and it’s competent enough.  It just sounds so old hat and cheesy, which fits Captain America nicely really, and can’t have seemed much better in 1988."

4 / 10

"Who’s crying now?  Well, I’m close to it after being made to listen to all these tracks... Just kidding.  I can imagine this as the soundtrack to a low-budget '80s film, or a cop series that got cancelled after about 5 episodes.

Never played the game - looks a bit rubbish?  What a waste of a comic character game licence too… Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me if no licence was acquired whatsoever. I reckon the track’s decent.  A nice mini-shreddy solo, guitar harmonies, and an obligatory “woaaah ooah..!” or two."

8 / 10

TRACK NO. 13

'Slingshot' (?) by H.E.X.

"Odd that they didn’t give any of these tracks a title even.  I couldn’t think of a suitable title for this one either, so I duly name it 'Slingshot' to match the underwhelming game.

It’s back to male vocals for this H.E.X. offering.  It’s a poppy number with reggae type guitar again, and a singer who’s trying to do a Talking Heads style vocal, sounding anarchic but confused.  But it’s fairly unconvincing and the sound quality is nasty."

4.5 / 10

"Jeez, The Power House really did what they could to take attention away from their rubbish games, didn’t they?

Apart from some funky basslines, this song feels a bit unexciting.  Lyrics are a bit average, and nothing makes any other bits stand out really.  1, 2, 3, annnn-a 4…“From the <insert noun>…. To the <insert opposite -noun>…”

5 / 10

TRACK NO. 14

'Pimania'  by Clive Sinclive & The Mystery Man (Automata)

"Okay, this has to be the ultimate Speccy B-side audio track.  It’s nearly 7 minutes long but it’s some sort of twisted genius, which almost makes me want to play the game.  But not quite.

It features the following:

• Main rhythm nicked from 'Da Da Da' by Trio, or the Ariston ad if you prefer

• A girl saying “Wow, a saxophone. I’ve always wanted to be in showbiz” a lot

• Frequent coupling of “PiMan” with “A meaty pie, man”

• Outbursts of coughing and/or laughing

• A somewhat un-PC accent

• Seriously odd lyrics which presumably relate to the game (and real-life search for the golden sundial) in some way

• A song that you’ll probably never shake out of your head.

In short, an absolute gem."

10 / 10

"Isn’t he saying “Meet the PiMan”?  Though it does sound a bit like ‘meaty pie’ I suppose.  I’m guessing you were listening to this before lunchtime and had a bit of a hunger on…

There were supposed to be some clues in this song for the game, weren’t there?  Probably ultra-obscure ones, as is befitting the game.  Nevertheless, there’s no excuse for the terrible sounding drums, dodgy singing and random outbursts and sound effects…

Sorry Al, you say it’s a classic, but in musical or listenable terms I’d argue ‘not in a real sense’... It’s also about 5 minutes too long."

6.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 15

'Confuzion'  by Private Property (Incentive)

"Wonder which came first here, the song or the game?  This is by a band called Private Property, well-known to their family, which includes someone called Matthew Smith.  Surely not?  The vocals are pretty bad all round, but there’s some not too awful New Ordery bass here and there.

So fairly humdrum, but it’s redeemed slightly by the very ‘confuzed’ chorus, which goes “I’m so confused, don’t know what to do.  Won’t someone help me pleaaaaaase?  (Confuzion)” which I found myself humming in the shower this morning (too much detail).  With this being Incentive, they should have done a tune for Splat! too I reckon.  Maybe “I’m afraid of getting splatted, I’m just a little croooooooss (Get Splatted)”.  Or Mountains of Ket – “I’m stuck on a mountain, can’t get down.  Stuck on a mountaaaaaaaain (You’re stuck, mate)”

6 / 10

"Now I’m thinking that the Splat! tune could just be someone shouting “Yippeee!!” repeatedly, over some nondescript Casio keyboard boppy notes and random sound effects.  In fact that would almost certainly have occurred if Automata had written it.

Anyway, I digress… This is surprisingly listenable and quite nicely arranged.  Catchy too.  “Connn-Fuuu-Shunnn..!”. I can almost forgive the ropey vocals.  Not completely though."

9 / 10

TRACK NO. 16

'Corruption' by Rainbird

"This massively ‘80s instrumental ditty accompanies Rainbird’s gangbanging text adventure, with its cool green-on-black writing for added atmos.  I suppose it sounds a little gangstery in a Hotline Miami sort of way, heavy on the synth with occasional backing vox from those 'Video Killed The Radio Star' dudes The Buggles.  Or mates of theirs anyway.

So it comes off feeling unintentionally cyberpunkish I think.  Which naturally this psychedelic simian rather likes."

6.5 / 10

"A soundtrack to an adventure game?  Well it’s gotta be better than the tune playing through The Neverending Story, fairly pleasant at first but gets annoying after… oooh, about 2 minutes.

Apparently there was an audio book with this one as well, glad you didn’t make me listen to that..!  To sum up, yep, not a bad tune, pleasant enough, though the word ‘nondescript’ comes to mind for some reason."

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 17

'Dodgy Geezers'  by Trevor Lever & Peter Jones (Melbourne House)

"As if Mike Berry’s Wally song wasn’t enough Cockney malarkey, here’s some more to endure.  But credit where it’s due, the actual writers of the game, Trevor Lever and Peter Jones also did the music themselves, and they sound pretty professional actually.

Lots of annoying asides perpetuating scurrilous stereotypes about Cockneys liking to drink beer and play games of darts all the time.  The very thought of it!  Overall it’s not untuneful but it badly misses Automata’s none-too-subtle comic touch."

5 / 10

"A soundtrack to an adventure game?  Well, it’s gotta be better than… <snip>

As soon as I saw the title I indeed guessed correctly that it’d be Cockney warblings over a lively plinkety plonkety piano.  I probably need to play the game to get the full effect, but I’m going to give them an extra point for making the effort of doing all the background sound effects and mid-song mutterings.

Now <channels Barbara Windsor> “GET OUTTA MAAAAH PUB!”

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 18

'Starglider II' by Rainbird

"I guess Rainbird fancied themselves as a latter-day Automata, with 2 of their releases having their own little soundtrack.  I thought they were too serious for all that, but no.  This is 4 minutes 15 seconds of near-unbearable poppy space jazz, which like space itself sadly lacks atmosphere.

It’s distressingly dated-sounding throughout, reminding me a bit of Star Trekkin’ in places, only I quite liked that (I was young).  And the last 30 seconds sounds like a rip-off of the Close Encounters tunelet, you know the one.  Nah, this isn’t for me, it's a tune too far..."

4 / 10

"Oh come on Al, just listen to the way the drums kick in at around 0:33 and 2:36 (and 3:24), don’t tell me you didn’t start nodding your head and air-drumming?

Actually the entire track just sounds like a collection of different bridge sections glued together rather than anything coherent.  There isn’t really any hook or melody (“Alright there Pete Waterman”).

Is the game any good?  I didn’t get too far with the original one, despite it getting about 107% in the Crash review."

6.5 / 10

TRACK NO. 19

'Groucho' by The Automata All-Stars featuring the QE2, The Concord, an old seagull and the Adolf Hitler Good-Time Marching Band (from 'My Name Is Uncle Groucho…You Win A Fat Cigar' by…well, you know)

"Oh, we’ve got a live one here.  Another mini-epic by those certifiable Automata folks.  I get the impression they were just a bunch of froopy dudes hanging around swapping in-jokes, then inflicting them on the outside world in various forms, be it computer game or ‘hit song’.  Or appearing on rad ‘80s TV show 'Magic Micro Mission' and generally embarrassing themselves (it's on Youtube, go see).

But this is another cracking track, full of silly puns and sung in an Arcade Fire style (that might be stretching it).  The music’s good, the singing’s good and includes the great self-conscious lyric “…and this line doesn’t rhyme”.  Not quite Pimania, but maybe a strong follow-up track that would scrape into the top 10, before no-one at all bought the next single."

8.5 / 10

"Wow, that’s a high rating.  Sometimes I feel like I may be being over-critical of these Automata tracks, but then again it does sound as if they’ve been written, played, sang and recorded over the course of a single day in a teenager’s bedroom using a £4.99 Radio Shack microphone.

I’ll give them a bonus point for writing lyrics with a faint relevance to the game, and also the silly talky bit at the end."

7 / 10

TRACK NO. 20

'L.O.D. Rap' by Dave & Al

"Hold up, guv’nor, what gives?  Well, something just came to me from the mists of time.  You know how there’s a certain mystique about ‘games which never were’, like Bandersnatch and Mire Mare etc?  But what could be even more mysterious than a mythical song based on a mythical game?  Raises things to the next level eh?  No?  Unlucky, you’re going to hear about it anyway…

Me good mucker Dave and I enjoyed the classic Chaos so much back in, hang on…. maybe ’87 or so… that we plotted a bigger, better version of our own, to be called ‘Land of Destruction’.  Basically it was going to be Chaos on a bigger landscape with bigger sprites and bigger explosions!  Sadly, Julian Gollop was eavesdropping on our meetings and did it himself with Lords Of Chaos, the scamp.  Which actually wasn’t that great in the event anyway surprisingly.

But you see, he never had a rap to go on side B!  Actually, neither did we, but the idea was there.  Gamewise I think we only got as far as Dave designing some sprites – he’ll confirm or deny this shortly – but we did fancy doing a tune and maybe even a Spectacle style high score table.  Kinda shows how cultish Speccy B-side songs like Pimania seemed at the time I guess.  Don’t think we drummed up any lyrics either, so not sure how it would have gone, but I envisage kinda like the Beastie Boys singing about Gooey Blobs.  And how epic would that be?"

0 / 10 (It belongs to the ether)

"Ah yes!  Y’know I think we did write some lyrics.  I don’t remember much about them except that they were a bit rubbish.  We may have even got to the stage of GETTING THE TAPE RECORDER and a BLANK TAPE..!

Probably didn’t help that the only rap music we listened to was the odd song that might have appeared on Top Of The Pops or Radio 1.  And the game design was a bit ambitious as I only knew a bit of BASIC.

I don’t think even the ether deserved to suffer this one… But I’ll give ‘younger us’ credit for pure unadulterated, if deluded, ambition.  “You gotta reach for the stars, man…”

0.5 / 10

THE DRAMATIC FINALE

"And now... the end is near..." so let's go across to Mark Goodier for the Old School Top 20 rundown, in reverse order for heightened drama, and with suitable '80s synth backing music...

"Hi, I'm Mark Goodier and here's your run-down of the best music you'll hear on the Spectrum without actually turning on your Spectrum...

Starting us off in the Hot 20, we've got the legendary track-that-never was by those cheeky young scamps who would surely never amount to anything, namely:"

20. L.O.D. Rap (Dave & Al)

"Next up we have some classic fusion confusion from the House of Power:"

19. Slingshot (H.E.X.)

"At number 18 a new entry for a new genre we don't see a lot of in the UK charts - it's space jazz city, baby, with:"

18. Starglider 2 (Rainbird)

"Now it's the first of many in this week's countdown from MC Pi-Man and pals:"

17. Leader Of The Pac (Automata)

"Elbowing their way in at 16 are a couple of wide boys from Laaandaaan. Leave it arrrrt, mate! :"

16. Dodgy Geezers (Lever & Jones/Melbourne House)

"While at 15 we have some dramatic soft-rock hell, sorry heaven, with Resister:"

15. Who's Crying Now? (Resister/Captain America)

"You can't keep a good Pi-Man down, as he's back here again to haunt us at number 14:"

14. PiLand National Anthem (Automata)

"While old wally Mike Berry is still proving popular at unlucky number 13 this week:"

13. Everyone's A Wally (Mike Berry/Mikrogen)

"At 12, something Top Of The Pops could never be accused of, since lip syncing is clearly totally legitimate and popular - corruption:"

12. Corruption (Rainbird)

"Just missing out on the big ten is another power-ballad from the Power House:"

11. Walking Away From You (H.E.X./Custerd's Quest)

"Now things start to get serious! Inexplicably making the big 10, we just can't get enough of those Resister boys:"

10. Right This Time (Resister/Side Arms)

"Deja-vu much? You can try to Resist, but you won't be able to avoid them again at 9:"

9. The Fight (Resister/Trantor)

"Sports songs frequently prove popular, and this tribute to the beautiful game is still holding its own (pint) at number 8:"

8. Dartz (Automata)

"And in with a bang is this week's highest new entry, an old style sing and whistle-a-long from Ol' Rick Wilson in his cardigan and rocking chair:"

7. Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Whistlin' Rick Wilson/YS)

"There's no confustion this time at number 6. Oh wait there is! It's Incentive's Confuzion!"

6. Confuzion (Private Property/Incentive)

"Dropping a place this week at number 5, it's a case of "close, but no cigar" for another Automata anti-hero:"

5. Groucho (Automata)

"While scantily-clad females are unsurprisingly still proving to be distracting in the hit parade. First there was Sabrina, now we have:"

4. Valley Of Rains Main Theme (Tiurula/Zosya)

"It was number 1 last week, but down 2 places this, the ultimate novelty song, some say, but it's been pipped at the post by 2 unlikely rivals:"

3. Pimania (Automata)

"Iron Maiden famously made it to the top spot with one of their worst songs, but this time round it's those sexy HEXies singing a tribute to the venerable metallers, and so nearly emulating their feat:"

2. Iron Maiden (H.E.X./Soft & Cuddly)

"Which all means that we have a new act at the top spot this week. I've been Mark Goodier and I'll leave you to do the worm along to the funky synths of this little number. Goodnight! :"

1. MOONS OF JUPITER (ALEXANDER GOLDSCHEIDER/WRIGGLER)

Seriously, that's enough now.  Make with the FIN...

-FIN-