The Games That Time Forgot: 1987 Edition

Looks like the sun's about to explode, ski faster Mr. Bond!

ALPINE GAMES

(Atlantis)

Well shucks, I've gone and missed my chance to be topical with this one by a few weeks now, since the latest season of the Winter Olympics has come and gone. Personally I didn't watch much of it at all, but couldn't resist a quick gawp at the luge event, since it's arguably the most ludicrously perilous occupation of all time. To my amazement I discovered that they even have "team" luge these days - 2 people to 1 tea tray. Boy do you have to know your partner well to do that - it looks very dubious indeed to me, especially in those clingy outfits. I was wondering what I'd tuned in to.

Atlantis often had quite decent artwork on their game covers. Go figure.

Back in my day all we got in the way of snowy sportage was Ski Sunday on an... erm... Tuesday night I think it was. And that was probably enough really. Who wants to do sports when it's perishing cold, I ask you? But since us pallid Speccy types generally preferred staying in most of the time and exercising our grey matter (debatable) instead with the help of our rubber-keyed wonder (oops, lawsuit incoming), the only way we'd ever get the chance to don all-over spandex bodysuits and slide around on our hinders would be virtualwise. Thankfully.

U.S. Gold struck gold, appropriately enough, in this discipline back in '86 with their really quite spiffy Winter Games collection. Like Hypersports with dandruff, the events were enjoyable to play and looked pretty as a Christmas card. And there was a very high chance of maiming your little guy on screen in the bonkers Hot Dog event, where you attempted back flips in the snow while munching sausages. Throw in some hot cider and I'd willingly join them.

Ah just made it. That red mark under our guy is the finish line. Fancy huh?

As was the norm ("Norm!") back then, budget software houses cheerily turned out their own bargain bin versions of most of the big hits. Thus the brains at Atlantis dusted off their thesaurus and magicked up Alpine Games, having rejected the titles Chilly Games, Parky Games and Nesh Games in a late-night brainstorming session. Someone suggested White Games, but was then shown the door for obvious reasons. So they stuck with Alpine Games - a wise move, but could their own icecapades even hope to measure up to those of Stone Cold U.S. Gold?

Barry Jones was the chosen Ice Warrior who was tasked with taking the wintry fight to the big boys. I'm pretty sure his name appeared on most cheap games of the time, and my research confirms that he did indeed write a plethora of games for the likes of Mastertronic (who probably paid him quite well), Scorpio Software, Atlantis and Central Solutions (who bought him a sandwich for his efforts). If I had to pick a standout title from them all, I don't know really. There are 2 games about prison breaks and 2 about the C5. So it depends which of those floats your boat the most probably.

He's just been thrown out of the red cafe at speed for wearing skis at the table

What's really needed to make a game like this a winner is a little teeny bit of variety, I'd say. The last thing you want is to have to suffer the age-old technique of left/right spamming, invented by the evil Daley Thompson, until something breaks, on every event with just different coloured backgrounds to keep you awake. Wonder what events we get here then? Speed skating, ski jumping, skiing, bobsled and biathlon. Only events beginning with S or B allowed then, so no figure skating or hot dogging this time round I'm afraid, by comparison with Winter Games. Still, five out of seven ain't bad, as Meatloaf once sang.

Sooooo we start proceedings with some speed skating, but will it live up to its name or be a proper slog? It does sound ripe for Daley-itis of the most uninspiring kind, but let's see. Thou shalt press keys 1 and 2 alternately and watch your nice and chunky, if a tad familiar looking, sprite try to gain traction on the treacherous surface. There's a lot of white on the screen, some very distant mountains and a crap finish line. Yawn.

I can't look at this screen without bubbling over with apoplectic rage

National hero for 5 minutes Eddie Edwards' fave event comes next, the ski jump. We have a side-on view of the piste (yes, the piste), so set your power by stopping a rather fast speed meter, then press to take off as late as you dare. Your fellow flies through the air with the greatest of ease and lands comfortably under his own steam without you hindering his efforts. Where's the fun in that eh? It's alright though, at least your keyboard can take a breather.

Ah, we've got the skiing next, this should be good. We all recall 'Orrible 'Orace and his downhill exploits fondly I'm sure from the early days of the Spectrum. It seemed relatively chilled after you'd risked life and limb getting over that bloody road. Until you suddenly broke your skis and legs when you got too cocky (argh, that noise!) With this in mind, I quite fancied playing a similar, but hopefully suitably updated downward scrolling affair at this point, so hopes were high. Off we go. NO!!!!! WHAT'S THIS????? OH COME ON BARRY, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!! Clearly my disappointment levels could not be higher. We've got the exact same set-up as the speed skating. Only by now this is far from enjoyable and is such a missed opportunity. It's so slow, it's like wading in white treacle for 30 seconds until you're thankfully timed out. So bad. It's upset me deeply.

I've crashed my sled at the first corner, and my two dudes have been thrown clear. Grim.

Help me, Bob Sled, you're my only hope! Yes, it's event number four and we do at least have something a bit different. An overhead view of the track, on which you have to steer your little metal bullet around using QAO and P. Reminds me slightly of that all-time "Don't Buy This!" classic Race Ace. Which I did buy even before it featured on that infamous compilation. But at least we have variety as a welcome house guest now. Plus, fabulously you can even turn your sled around and mosey off in the direction you started from! My sense of direction isn't the best, but I'd like to think I could go the right way on the (Moon/Terra) Cresta Run somehow. Helpfully time isn't an issue, so take as long as you like and admire the view, the crowd will still love it when you eventually cross the line. Even those Jamaican guys beat you.

Last chance saloon time now, and our Alpine Games come to a giddy climax with the biathlon. Which is like a triathlon but you don't have to try as hard. It appears to involve some exhausting looking cross-country skiing, followed by the opportunity to shoot yourself when it all gets too much. The skiing part is rhythmic rather than energetic, but is ponderosity itself, while the shooty bit is refreshingly violent. Shoot the target not once, not even twice. Three times is right out of the question, but four successful shots will earn you the plaudits. Do that and we're onto the next bit and... wait... ah, okay, it's game over irregardless. No stamina, these lads.

Time to go on a shooty rampage again, they'll never take me alive!

So there you have it. Like a ski slope itself, Alpine Games has its ups and downs. 'Snow way it'll keep your interest for very long, but what else can you get for 199 pennies? 'Ave a lanche perhaps at the Greggs? Atlantis certainly tried to mountain attack on the games market, and this one is an ice try at emulating better and more high-fallutin' efforts. But be warned, much like these puns, the experience might well leave you cold.

Barry also gave us Colditz Story. Bold design choice to have those swastikas so prominent

APRES SKI SCORE

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