Top 50: Primitive Art Gallery

We spend a lot of time praising some of the amazing loading screens that have been produced over the years on the Spectrum, but maybe now is time to honour those that didn't quite make the grade. Those that extended your load times by approximately a minute, and for what? Here are 50 that I have dug out from the archives for you to pore over, in alphabetical order - the numbers are purely so you know how many more you have to endure until the end.

1. Agent X II (Mastertronic) The first game was good, but is this all we can hope for with the sequel?

2. Alcatraz Harry (Mastertronic) Bad spelling and camp green Nazis? I for one am scared

3. Axe (Top Ten) I'm not sure which of the two elements is the star of the show here

4. Behold Atlantis (Zenobi) I don't think I can ever forgive that nipple. And is he holding popcorn?

5. Byte Bitten (Firebird) God-ugly old gamer gets his neck chopped off by helicopters. Horrific

6. Cage Match (Entertainment USA) Not that badly drawn, it's just so very disturbing

7. Cannibals From Outer Space (Summit) An Etch-A-Sketch special. Nice magentaburger though

8. Chronos (Mastertronic) Famous for its music of course, less so for this minimalist effort

9. Classroom Chaos (Central Solutions) Eric from Skool Daze is better defined than this young scamp

10. Confrontation (MC Lothlorien) Don't think the bellicose Lothloriens had got the hang of Spectrums yet in '83

11. Desert Burner (Creative Sparks) Even the movement lines aren't right

12. Desperado (Central Solutions) Clint Eastwood after reconstructive surgery

13. Devil's Crown (Mastertronic) More of a splitting migraine than a loading screen as such

14. Enduro (Activision) It's not the worst drawn dune buggy ever, but surely it's meant to be a formula racing car?

15. Exploding Fist + (Firebird) This might be okay if it wasn't for ALL the faces involved

16. Express Raider (U.S. Gold) Surely someone in U.S. Gold could have helped their Hungarian friends with this? It reeks more of '82 than '87

17. Ghoul Manor (Britannia) This is gruesome s*** on every conceivable level

18. How To Be A Hero (M.A.D.) A scary statue awaits in the dark. Or a monster standing on some cheese

19. Indoor Soccer (Magnificent Seven) Just wow. Even for Guy Ritchie this isn't great

20. Konami's Tennis (Imagine) A big two fingers up to anyone who likes decent loading screens

21. Kong (Anirog) Where's Jumpman? We can be grateful for small mercies

22. Magic Carpet (Mastertronic) Without the cheesy thumbs-up, this might be passable. Nah, probably not

23. Marie Celeste (Atlantis) Even for Atlantis, this is breathtakingly unambitious

24. Master Of Magic (M.A.D.) Mister Spock goes spelunking. That Darling will never amount to anything

25. Milk Race (Mastertronic) All we need is a killer graphic for the centre of the pic. Ah, okay then

26. Mummy Mummy (MC Lothlorien) I sphinx this stinks

27. Murphy (Pirate) I can't explain any of this, including why the woman is so very large

28. NATO Assault Course (C.R.L.) Half-drawn zombie soldiers are my absolute fave

29. Olympic Challenge (Century City) I've never seen the Kama Sutra before, not sure I'm doing it right

30. Oriental Hero (Firebird) Clive would never leave a ninja half-cocked like this

31. Pro Golf (Atlantis) If he'd left the golfer off, this never would have made the list

32. Quartet (Activision) Think the main figures might need to be just a little bigger, Nik

33. Raw Recruit (M.A.D.) Bright red skin, they do look raw. The two smaller figures crack me up

34. Redweed (MC Lothlorien) This is exactly what HG Wells envisioned in his epic novel. They've nailed it

35. Rockford (M.A.D.) What in the name of spelunking has happened to his face? He's not a frickin' clown

36. S.T.I. (Bug-Byte) Sometimes in life you just have to laugh at yourself. Not the best advert for the game though

37. Self Destruct (Atlantis) My guess would be...don't touch that lever. Adds suspense I suppose while you wait for it to load

38. Sinbad (Atlantis) I'm getting flashbacks to location 2 of The Hobbit, with the emphasis on dreary

39. Space Walk (Mastertronic) I think walking would be a better option than boarding that shonky shuttle

40. Stagecoach (Creative Sparks) I can forgive the horses, they're hard...but the rest, even the reins...no

41. SuperGran-The Adventure (Tynesoft) Well yes, I suppose SuperGran was quite metal...but did she justify 2 bad Spectrum games?

42. The Greatest Show On Earth (Central Solutions) Yer nan in a leotard juggling (CENSORED). Yep, that's a show alright

43. The Keeper (Central Solutions) Your guess is as good as mine as to what the flying thing might be

44. The Odyssey Of Hope (Martech) Not completely awful, but WTF is going on on the right here?

45. The Theatre Of Death (Central Solutions) Is this a load of cr@p I see before me?

46. Tiler (Interceptor) The guy in the air...and the guy on the roof...and the tree. Mummy!

47. Viking Raiders (Firebird) Everyone's happy in Viking Kindergarten!

48. Werewolves Of London (Mastertronic) Minimum effort award goes to these guys for this not-at-all-a-werewolf

49. Xadom (Quicksilva) I can't tell if this is racist or just a hideous abomination

50. Xtroth-The Adventure (Automata) The Stig and John Candy from Spaceballs hang out

That's enough now, apologies to anyone involved in producing the works displayed in our gallery today, but take comfort in the fact that great art lives on forever...