Curiosities of the Modern Age: W

After X comes W... if you're me. World War Sims 1 & 2 incoming!

It's awake Richard Burton vs. sleeping Hitler. Who's gonna win?

THE WORLD WAR SIMULATOR: PARTS 1 AND 2

(Retrobytes, 2012 & 2018)

Simulation is a tricky business. I recall attempting to make sense of Psion's Flight Simulation as one of the first games I experienced on the Spectrum. I wasn't very good at it, it was just too darned realistic. I don't know how to fly a plane, it's not a reasonable expectation. I’d only just got my head around Space Raiders at that point.

But if you were a more chilled-out sort of a teenager back then (or more likely the dad of same) and had the patience, you could fly all manner of planes, trains and automobiles from the safety of your own dead fleshed wonder. Or even submarines or bobsleighs. It wouldn't be fun, but it would probably be quite realistic and slow if that's your bag.

Here's how WWI started. The arcade shooty bit is impossible btw

Then along came those cheeky Masters Of The Code, the Darjeelings. To them, everything was a simulation, such was their tenuous grip on reality. Did prodding a few buttons really give you the same sensation as riding a BMX into a tree, skiing headlong into a tree or watching your ATV fly crazily through the air and land… in a tree? Cracking games they may well have been, but frankly they were all grossly mislabelled and corrective action should have been taken by the appropriate authority.

Don't forget to "throw grenade CAREFULLY" or you'll never hit anything

Such irresponsible behaviour opened up the floodgates to the real jokers. Ninja Scooter Simulator. Spaghetti Western Simulator. Werewolf Simulator (which was a GAC adventure FFS). Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. Alright, you can have that one, it is a classic. Some claimed to be Professional, some were supposedly Advanced in some way. But practically none were what they purported to be. We shouldn’t have stood for it, but shamefully we allowed it to happen on our watch, in plain sight, and for that we should all be sore ashamed.

Despite this historical outrage, here are two games which profess to 'simulate' the joys of a world war. Not too sure I want that experience really, it doesn't sound tempting from what I’ve heard about them. I think there's an element of black humour here possibly, which to be fair is what has prompted my interest in these games for this feature. So in the lingo of those Darlings, will they prove "unbelievably realistic!" or "incredibly depressing and tragic!" ?

Flirting with 'pretty' nurse is 'pretty' embarrassing. But better than war

Alejandro Layunta Villarejo is da man behind parts 1 and 2 of WW Sim, or WWI and WWII if you prefer. He also gave us Fist-Ro Fighter, which I've meant to check out for ages now, the colourful Tales Of Grupp and ZX Destroyer, of which more might well be heard soonish on these pages. He seems to do a nice line in colourful chunky graphics, so that bodes well here, as most wars could use a bit more pretty colours about them, they tend to be such dismal affairs.

Both games are quite different actually. Starting with Part 1, what we have here, ladies, is one of those adventures involving them there graphics. Your aim is to not die and probably force some of the enemy to do the opposite. You get a nice little picture and some commands to ponder in every location (a small trench, a large trench, a gloomy, empty trench with dreary hills ahead). You need various objects to aid in your warring, including obtaining a pair of scissors from a nurse by means of ludicrously drawn-out and cringey flirting. Don't these people know there's a war on?

Now onto WWII. First negotiate the mines. Erm, not like that...

One kinda simulatory aspect is that while you're deciding what to do and whether to dash foolishly north to your doom or bravely retreat south, there's a frequent bombardment going on around you, which saps your health unhelpfully, flashes your borders and stresses you out generally. Maybe this is a more realistic experience than I'd initially imagined. As a result what the game lacks in length, it makes up for in trickiness, and is a fairly unusual adventuring experience on the whole. Just remember there’s no shame in running away like a coward and getting court marshalled. It sure beats a landmine taking your sight, taking your speech, taking your hearing, taking your arms, taking your legs, taking your soul and leaving you with life in He-eeelllllll.

If this Nazi nabs you, he'll subject you to the terrors of "the comfy chair"

Now onto Part 2, which is a different kettle of fish (or corned beef, this being wartime). Think Into The Eagle's Nest and you won't be far wrong. You play Richard Burton rather surprisingly, a la The Great Escape perhaps. Hang on, was he in that? Okay, no. How about Where Eagles Dare instead? Anyway, the dour Welshman must infiltrate Adolf's bunker and kill him in his sleep. Together with his bird Eva, all his lieutenants and even a Nazi dog (sorry pooch, but you shouldn’ta oughta have signed up to the war effort).

And the winner of the "Most Outrageous Bedclothes in a Video Game" goes to...

This is rather more fun than war ought to be. You have to use some strategy and save as much ammo as you can in order to get around the complex efficiently, and find all the keys to all the doors. But the nasty Nazis are quite good shots, so this proves tricky. And the game unreasonably won’t let you dig your bullets out of their mangled corpses in order to re-use them. But there are plenty of screens of colourful heroic fun to enjoy and it's nicely addictive stuff. The high point is seeing the Nazis’ lovely bedclothes resplendent with swastikas. Ahhhh, bless their murderous cotton socks!

There's the first one to murder. You literally have to stand next to them and shoot them while they sleep. Gulp

So it seems that despite James Brown's insistent querying on the subject, war is actually good for something. For making pretty good Speccy games, that's what. If we could get a third chapter for WW3 where you have to scour a post nuclear wasteland where we've all got radiated to bits, then that would be great too. Erm, wouldn't it?? Maybe it’s best that some things aren’t simulated too realistically.